092018 close your eyes take a deep breath ask yourself what tthe fuck am i doing up at this hour yep there goes millie right on cue making noises upstairs and now she’s coming downstairs EARLIER THAN EVER WTF she skipped the shower phase today GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING SUCKS WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE HAVE TO GET UP SO GOD FUCKING EARLY jesus fuckign christ can’t you just be a normal kid for two seconds and sleep a little bit??? FUCK! I didnn’t how the fuck early do i have to get up to get any god damned privacy around here FUCK i’d have to get up at like 4:30 in the mother fucking morning just to JESUS WHY DOES THIS PISS ME OFF SO FUCKING MUCH it’s just it’s just so i just i don’t know what it makes me so angry i guess it’s because i HAVE NO FUCKING PRIVACY EVER except when they’re all at school which FINALLY they all can be at one time, but THEN I”M SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING SO THAT DOESN”T COUNT she comes down here into my quiet rain-speckled morning, i’ve opened the doors so i can hear that perfect sound of rain through a screen door, and it;s dark and it’s secret and it’s lovely dark and deep and the portal is wide and open and the silence of the morning is like a breath held in giddy anticipation, the world on the other side of the door is wide and open has secrets to tell you don’t go back to sleep, and then, then, in the middle of this fawn-like prick-eared alertness, here she comes BAM BAM BONK down the stairs and TURNS ON A BUNCH OF HUGE FUCKING LIGHTS and BANGS STUFF OUT OF THE PANTRY AND BANGS THE SILVERWARE DRAWER OPEN AND BANGS THE FREEZER OPEN AND THE BATHROOM DOOR AND THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF ALL?? THE CRACKING WIDE OF THE FUCKING ICE CUBE TRAYS- KRAK *KRAK!* AS SHE GOES TO GET THAT MOTHER FUCKING ICE FOR THE MOTHER FUCKING ICE WATER THAT SHE FUCKING ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE it’s so weird that i get this resentful of mny own daughter’s mere presence. ya millie if you’re ever for some weird reason reading this, know that it’s totally not you, not your fault, it’s just some weird thing i have. I love you, i think you’re awesome and it’s fabulous that you have the self motivation and organization to be able to get up early like that and megan pisses me off too by just the opposit--barely stumbling out of bed in time to grab some fucking processed carbohydrates and lurch bleary eyed onto the bus but--i don’t know what it is , it’s just weird, it’s like having a roommate that you can’t get away from and listening to someone chew cereal at the same time, it just drives me INSANE that I JUST ABSOLUTELY CAN’T HAVE THIS FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES IN THE MORNING TO MY FUCKING SELF NO MATTER WHAT I FUCKING DO and as you can see it fucking messes up this whole thing, like what the fuck is the point of forcing my blurry groggy ass out of bed each morning if then all i can think of is this all-encompassing cloud of distraction and light and banging noises and the gas hissing under the kettle and the chink of spoons and forks and the clumsy dance moves of chairs being dragged across the floor like oafish partners-- like, i mean, i’m prety sure i had something to say. or to think about. or to explore. or te REVEAL to my narcissistic little ass, and the something is like i said a little fawn, but not the kind that lives in mom’s backyard, not the kind that’s used to humans and doesn’t give a shit--it’s the kind that smells a human and thinks *what the fuck is that* cuz it smells like blood and it smells like fire and it smells like garbage and it smells like death and it smells like fat dripping hot monkey musk and the poor little thing is like *shit* i gotta get outta here, and so, mid-chew, mouth fulla half chewed sweet plump green leaves, it arcs up its supple little backbone into the shape of a downward facing parenthesis, into the shape of a moon that pours water out, and so it’s going to rain tonight, and it makes itself lighter than air and it LEAPS from hummock to hillock like a karaoke bouncing ball leaps from word to word, so lightly it barely touches this great gross grounded earth, and with a minimum of crinkling foliage it’s gone-- into the coolness into the shimmering green into the secret world once again of before you woke up, when the house was quiet, when the spring was unfouled, when the stars were fierce and multiplied like magic rabbits out of the silky black hat of the night sky, and nobody knows where it goes, cuz you can’t go there; you can venture into the woods but even if you don’t get lost you’ll never find that fawn, xuz you don’t have the secret handshake, you don’t have the magic hoof print, you don’t have the dragon scale; the veil will never appear; you can grow big and course and redfaced as humanity has done and chop down the woods, but the fawn will not be there either; you won’t denude her; you won’t see her shivering naked body there if you rip off all the blankets and yell HAHA I’VE GOT YOU NOW-- because there in the thin layer of squirming life, under the peeled-back layer of riverine darkness, all you’ll find is nothing lights regret the orange streetlit ghostly glow of a world that used to be, that flows away quicker than one little ridge of water on one little midnight stream, bumping its way with searing perfect clarity over one little anonymous stone in the river bed asleep under cover of night and so that’s the magic that’s the will o the wisp that i missed day after day when i spent the biggest number of the mornings of my life asleep or waking up but too busy, too late, too ambitious; clueless i guess I’ll change the alarm ahead from 5:20 to 5:00. See how that goes. If she STILL gets up earlier and fucking tromps all over THAT fifteen minutes, I”m gonna have to be like no. Dude. Just fucking go back to bed. I gotta fucking draw the line somewhere. I’m not getting any younger, and neither is the fawn. And neither are you, which i know is kind of ironic, cuz there’s gonna be a day when-- but yeah, five o’clock seems like a good compromise. Just give me fifteen god damned minutes of alone time. That’s literally all I’m asking.