101218 i liked it better when ia had no extra stuff hanging off it. when it was just unbroken expanses of squares, reaching as far as you could see in every direction except up or down. when it was wafers of sunshine, arrayed on an endless plate; the roads between the corn fields were like the seams of a graham cracker back when people could be gay or straight and not as much in between. like i am like i was. back when trans gender was unusual. it must have been both harder and easier then. stop break go back back back go back back go back back go back remember when bly and his buddies chanted that? I wonder if Bly was a guy who was someone who in my opinion clearly the whowhowhowhow ok i just can’t i wonder if robert bly interrupted women all the time. i wonder if he’s still alive. i wonder if he was full of shit. i wonder why my dad connected with him so much. yesterday a lot of exciting work-related stuff happened and the reason it was exciting was that it was not merely work related. for me edxciting in regards to work means it’s connected with real life somehow. and i get to decide what’s real and what’s not and what’s life and what’s dreaming. right now i’d rather be dreaming because i woke up at 4:320, decided to give up and rolled abck over and then the little voice said, oh fuck, succeed or quit, blah blah blahk and now here i am sitting up in bed typing this but having no spark, no interest, i’m literally just going through the motions. and i guess that’s fine. it’s VERY IMPORATTANT to remember that that is ok, according to the plan. but the plan is feeling a little slipshod lately, because schand hasn’t been given much to do, and Icoul is getting a little bored. I think that’s why I keep slipping up a little bit. It’s cuz it’s probably time for something else to happen, for the proicess to move on. THAT”S ALWAYS BEEN THE HARD PART FOR ME, he laments, like a teenager who thinks that NAMING his problem, IDENTIFYING it, is as close as he’s ever going to get to doing something about it. But it’s okl faith in the proicess, right? >Even if there are a few dozen boring days, maybe that’s just a bigger version of the wave. maybe that’s just a zoomed out version of the fractal cycle of all thisl; where sometimes there’s a boring paragraph or two and then somehting exceiting happens, maybe sometimes there’s a boring week or two before something happens. chaos. the weather. butrterflies. speaking of butterflies, megan, 16 years old, reported having her first “kiss” yesterday. it was ian. things are going to get interesting from here. as long as he doesn’t totally flake out. he’s got the other girlfriend to dump and hasn’t succeeded in doing that yet, but whatever. i’m happy for her. she has a boy to crush on. and he’s pretty hot too,so that’s a plus. this will probably be a pretty memorable one for her. might even last a little while. might not. you just never know. does anyone esel think there’s a lot of pointless obvious statements going on in here > but again, that’s ok. don’t mess with the thermostat; everything is set up according to the plan. don’t try to adjust your tv. the static is normal. yesterday was almost a blur . i got to be careful going to meetings after eating weed nuggets. i was a little weird. probably acting a little off. thinking i was cute and charming but was probably just coming off as more like, ummmm, ohhhh *kayyyy?* But it’s ok as long as i don’t make a habit of it. if i make a habit of it, a) somenbody’s going to notice, and b) I’m not fully going to be there for the meetings. And I’m the guy that actually cares, remember? I’m the one for whom this *isn’t* just a *job,* negro! SO why would I sabotage that, just for the privilege of feeling nice and mellow and special during a meeting. a meeting about a national presentation that i have to give the “golden star attraction” of or whatever. that part they came to see. I don’t thnk they’re just flattering me, but still. I mean i guess its.... ok i’ll admit it i love the attention. i love being the star. it’s so silly. it’s so Miss Firecracker Contest, but I am so giddy with nervous excitement that I get to be the charismatic one in this. Jason said in front of everybody that my graduation speech was incredible (or something). I still have my doubts, and I’m not *entirely* saying that just as a humblebragging self-defense compliment-fish from my own mind. Like I actually think it was a little bit too rambling, a little bit too self-centered, not enough about the audience, too much about me. But it did have its good moments. I’m not a bad storyteller; I’m just a little spastic and self-indulgent. Like I’m talking to my therapist about all the epiphanies *I’ve* had; got to work on handing more of the spotlight over to the people who are ostensibly looking at me for some kind of insight or entertainment. We’re going to devil’s lake today and i need to get some more little nap before we go because i’m going to be tired. there’s so much to say. or not.