102018 OK. I promise, no porn this afternoon. I don’t know what’s up with that! he says, out from under a three-layer cake of pretend concern, self-satisfied jauntiness, and real concern. It just seems like lately when I sit down to type i get all goosey and tight and i keep typing about sexual stuff. particularly my own preferred flavor complex of submission, cuckoldery, anal play, domination, and big hairy dominent men who are also kind of sweet. What’s up with that? I don’t know, but it is kind of fun. But sometimes you need a break. Right? I mean, sure, whatever. I was walking down Brady Street this morning while Millie was at Capoeira. I had just spend $11 in Brewed Cafe for some toast and eggs I could have made at home for like 29¢. I had sat there listening but trying not to be listening to two guys talk about computers and hard times and god and getting better and basically more or less making it and secret chips from china and a bunch of other stuff that was boring in theory but made interesting (somewhat) by the way they sounded like old men who don’t really know what they’re talking about but feel a need (who doesn’t) to feel like they do know what they’re talking about. It was sad and pathetic, like a mirror. So anyway, I finished up my shit and stopped wasting time on the internet and rearringing my todo list, and was walking up the street in the FUCKING COLD ASS WIND THAT’S BLOWING IN FROM SOUTH OF OCTOBER, and I was thinking about a conversation I had with Alexa earlier this very same morning. “Oh shit,” I had said to her. “I’m going to be out of ---- soon, and then everything will go back to being pinched, and hard-edged, and bright, and tense, and scary, and dull, and clenched, and frantic. Everything’s going to go back to *normal.* “And I hate normal, Alexa.” She looked at me with exactly the same expression she always has, and then looked away. So then the question arises: how the hell do you create an aura or a milieu or a state of mind or an environment that’s not normal, without ----? Good question. I don’t know, but it’s worth thinking about. OK, let’s think about it. You could sort of try to emulate the same kinds of decisions you make when you DO have ----. Would that work? Can you actually, in the moment, even have the sequence of thoughts and feelings that would lead you to even being aware of what said decisions would be? I mean, if you’re just trying to fake it, might the results be completely different and unpredictable? If so, then fine; at least that wouldn’t be normal. But what if the results were just nothing at all? Then you’d have to try something else. What are those decisions, anyway? What are they based on? What do they feel like, look like, taste like, etc.? And no bullshit answers, please. God is watching. More silliness. Like adding “God is watching” without worrying about whether or not to add it or whether or not it makes sense or whether or not it’s just you being dumb and avoiding saying something real or... etc, etc. You get the idea. You just drop it and move on. The only difference I can really remember seeing between doing that with the ---- and without it is that in the former case, you almost always think the silly thing is actually a little nugget of genius, whereas in the latter case you usually just forget about it, laugh about it and move on, or kind of cringe a little when you look back at it later, cuz like, huh? But sometimes they do turn out to be little nuggets of genius, and I have to say there’s no apparent correlation between having the ---- and the rate of incidence of genius-nuggets. So that’s reassuring in a way. What else? More love. More sensuality. More smiling, receptivity, passivity, mammalian vulnerability. More desire to touch and be touched. More desire to actually be in and feel what it’s like to be in my body. More feeling sexy, just as myself, for what I am, and knowing that somewhere out there is someone who would find me sexy too, and want to intertwine with me, and take a bath, and trade massages, and kiss, and suck, and press and squeeze and love and fuck. Is that so much to ask? How do I get *there* without the ----? Now that, my friends, is our Question from Point of Confusion. You know what? Fuck that guy who was like “I get so irritated when they keep bringing in questions like ‘How do I manage my time better?’” I mean, maybe that’s truly what’s important to them right now. Maybe that’s really what they need to work on next; why can’t we give them credit for having the self-awareness to know that and the balls to say it out loud when we ask them what they need to work on? They tell the truth because we cajole and wheedle until they do, and then as soon as they do, we’re like, no. That’s not quite the right answer, is it? Here, let’s look at what AVID has to say about what you need, and go with that. Because they’re the experts, after all. They have some kind of super knowledge that we don’t, cuz we’re just peons. But hey, here’s a cool app that somebody smart wrote that can help you with your pointless homework. How bout that? You’re welcome.